Goodbyes, Lessons, Expectations, and Gratefulness

I’m sitting in my brother and sister-in-law’s apartment in Chicago, blatantly ignoring the repacking I should be doing, in favor of writing this, my first blog post. I still have two days for that. Besides, have you ever tried to make your stuff fit back in suitcases? Especially when you didn’t pay much attention during the first time you packed? Yeah, get back to me when you have.

My last two weeks in Kansas City were rather bittersweet. See, I’m not exactly new to the overseas travel thing, but the last time I left, I wasn’t very attached to too many things and people. Oh sure, my family, but I had almost no close friends at that point. Certainly not close friends I saw on a regular enough basis to miss while I was away. Preparing for leaving was decidedly different this time.

The last two years have introduced me to many new people, places, things, and experiences. While I am thoroughly grateful for this growth as a person, I did find myself recently remarking to a friend “this whole leaving thing would be easier if I didn’t care about you so much”.  That remark has been thought  (and voiced) many, many times in the last two weeks, as I prepared to hightail it out of the country.  My life has been so rich with wonderful people, especially in this last year. Whether it’s family, friends, coworkers, teachers, or just random people I’ve met this last year, I know I have so much to miss, and while that makes me sad, I also know I’m blessed beyond imagination. It’s a confusing feeling.

People ask me if I’m ready to live on my own for a year. But then they try to explain away that I’m not really living on my own, I’m with other students, I’m near family, whatever the excuse is at that moment.  I am ready to live on my own, and trust me, it’s a scary prospect no matter how many family members are nearby, no matter how many fellow students are there with you. I get an extra helping of fear, because I’m going into this with more than my fair share of health problems. Sometimes I really worry about how those problems could drag down this year and mar the experience.

But that leads me to my biggest set of lessons from this last year, as well as to a major expectation for this next year.

1.     God never gives us more than we can handle. I can believe this with the full assurance of someone who has been stretched to the limit, not just once, but over and over. Each time I thought I had reached the breaking point, that it was time to give up my strength was renewed and I was ready to go further than before. I am still confused as to how I made it out of this last year alive, but I know that no matter the challenge, I don’t have to face it alone, and that’s a great source of comfort.

2.     I have an amazing support system. It’s a multi-layered system, but I think I sum it up best by saying: when you know you have more than one person you can call at 4:00 a.m. merely because your joints hurt, you’re zonked on medicine, and depressed, you’re an extremely well-blessed person.

3.     It’s okay to speak my mind. Just because I voice an opinion doesn’t mean someone will be upset. It might, but as long as I’m not going out of my way to be offensive, it’s probably okay. And not speaking up could cause more harm in the long run.

Now, there’s a long and complicated explanation behind those three points, but I’ll leave you with the Reader’s Digest version, my entire year summed up in three points. I’m actually a little impressed it didn’t take more! :-D

But my expectation for myself for this next year: I will not let myself drown in a sea of worry, a sea of depression, or any other sea I can come up with. I will take advantage of my support network, continue to speak my mind, and continue to grow as a person.